What do we think guys? Did 25-year-old Zach start an industry-disrupting tech company promising to optimize the way we all, for example, squeeze juice?
Not really. But because so many of Rachel and Gabby’s frontrunners have boringly straightforward jobs – which, great for them, but we miss Blake and Michael – we’ve decided to partake in the new trend sweeping Bachelor Nation, writing Zach Shallcross fanfiction!
Our hero, Zach, is spending another long night at the Austin WeWork office staring at the specs of the JuiceSqueezer5000 (it’s like a Keurig for juice!). The IPO is on the horizon, but recently Zach has started to question whether his product really will revolutionize the way we squeeze juice at home. Heck, some part of him is even questioning if the way we squeeze juice needs to be revolutionized at all. Sure, maybe his innovation isn’t going to transform healthcare like Theranos, Zach tells himself, but juice is important too. People love juice.
Wandering into the Cereal and Milk Alternatives Bar for a much-needed matcha wheatgrass shot, Zach hears voices. A woman is in distress. Dropping his pack of pre-macerated fruit and veg (patent pending), he rushes to the Foosball Decompresh Space where he sees it. The thing that will revolutionize his own life.
Someone had left the TV on after Jeopardy, and there she is, his damsel in distress. A once plucky pilot brought low by the duplicity of a sub-optimized man, wrung out like a bag of juice. “I love planes,” thinks Zach. In a flash, a childhood memory returns of watching planes take off at the airport with his father. It seems like enough to base a relationship on.
“Don’t go!” his investors plead. “The IPO is next month! The juice squeezing machine isn’t ready!” But Zach has seen his destiny.
“Just squeeze the bags with your hands,” he tells his shocked acolytes. “Optimization is a myth. There is only one real thing in this world and I must go to her.”
Anyway, that’s our pitch for the Juicero limited series. Call us Hulu!
Okay, weirdos. What does Zach actually do for a living?
Zach is not what you or I or even alleged BioTech CEO Jamie from Michelle’s season would consider to be a tech executive.
According to his LinkedIn, Zach works at Oracle as a “Senior Cloud Technology Account Executive.” This appears to be confirmed by this shoutout in a Reddit AMA about sales positions at the company. This position has a fancy title, but the descriptions we found for similar openings sound a lot more like a standard sales job.
“Primary job duty is to sell business applications software/solutions and related services to prospective and existing customers”
Like many of the twenty-somethings who are able to take 6-9 weeks off of work to shoot The Bachelorette, Zach is a sales rep and not a wealthy, connected grifter who turned a dubious innovation into a cult of personality. Oh well.
Meanwhile, Europeans regularly take the entire month of August off to wrestle in melted chocolate. No one even films them.
What else should we know about Zach?
He played football at California Polytechnic.
He has a soundcloud. (Mostly trap/dubstep remixes. We didn’t hate it!)
And, most importantly, his dad used to take him to watch planes take off at the airport.
xo Your Nosy Friends, Reality Blogging Industry Disruptors