For Your Consideration: Martin Gelbspan
Update We wrote this before we saw Martin share his thoughts on high-maintenance women. We’re no longer considering Martin, but we encourage you to continue reading (or to just look at the pictures.)
Look, we know that Martin currently styles himself as all the members of NSYNC at once.
Although, he puts his own unique spin on the look by borrowing shirts from Larry the Cable Guy.
And yes, we know that—while soaking in an above-ground pool in a parking lot—Martin repeated Dr. Joe’s mistake of defending his new friend to the woman he wronged.
What were we doing? Right, defending Martin. Sorry, we got distracted because the guy is very easy to dunk on.
But he actually has a lot to recommend him. Seriously!
First—while The Bachelorette would gladly bestow the title on anyone who has popped a squat—Martin is a legit fitness trainer. He has a business. With actual clients and everything.
Second, like Will and Jamie, Martin had an old Twitter (two actually), but he mostly used it to republish topless photos of himself from Instagram. A relatively unproblematic prince!
Third—and obviously most importantly—Martin is very, very hot.
No, for real. This is not millennial boy-band nostalgia talking.
We found some of Martin’s old photos and when you take away the bleached hair (and the shaved eyebrow and the facial piercings and that shirt), Martin looks a lot more like Justin Baldoni (the love interest from Jane the Virgin) than the sidekick from Cars.
Now we’re going to show you a bunch of different shirtless photos of Martin and, in exchange, you agree to pretend we’re doing a retrospective exploring the evolution of his current look and how he promotes himself as a fitness instructor.
Good? Great!
2014:
Like many of us, Martin started life as a child. Unsatisfied with his small stature and lack of upper body strength, he used time and exercise to evolve into a buff adult.
“In every aspect of life, KEEP PUSHING… it only gets better.”
Nobody tell Martin about aging’s effect on the body post-40. Let’s all just enjoy this while it lasts!
Unknown Date:
Most people would wear a swimsuit on a boat, but Martin wears his tighty-greenies.
2015:
Martin’s “Elite Miami Men” days. All Elite Miami Men models are required to take at least one photograph in the classic Tyra Banks Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover “I’m about to pull these bottoms off” pose. Trust us, we looked through a LOT of pictures. To find Martin. Obviously.
2016:
Martin continues to expand in size. His skin temporarily darkens to a burnt sienna.
2017:
Martin begins to experiment with putting distracting things near his face.
2018:
Martin is still fit and brunet in this Brickell Magazine feature.
Remembering the name of our website, we point out that Martin used to work in luxury real estate.
May 2020: Two months into the pandemic, this is the last time we will see Martin’s natural hair and eyebrows.
Are Martin’s styling choices an attempt to regain a sense of control in these uncertain times?
The next few looks are going to come at you fast and hard. Presented without comment.
Late 2020: Cheetah hair
Winter 2021: Neon hair
Spring 2021: Blue hair
Summer 2021: Martin has run out of Manic Panic (supply chain issues?), but the bleached ends and shaved eyebrows are here to stay.
We regret to inform you that he bought that sleeveless plaid shirt in multiple colors.
Look, we’ve all made some questionable decisions during the past year and a half (one of us got a shag haircut that could be mistaken for a mullet).
And maybe Martin’s choices are not even questionable! Maybe they’re sound business decisions.
Maybe Martin’s beautiful head was distracting potential training clients from his sculpted torso and costing him business
Or maybe he just likes his hair like that. You do you, Martin. We love confident men—with real jobs.
xo Your Nosy Friends, One-and-a-half Time Body Boot Camp Attendees
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